I am so tired!
I wake up early each morning
, more determined than the last to finish off all my pending chores and to plan my day better so as to get some quality time for myself. My kitchen door is decorated with bits and pieces of my attempts at getting organised. The school time table along with a list of after-school activities, a list of breakfast, lunch and dinner options for the kids so that I don't waste time in thinking during the 'rush hour'
. Plus I have my precious planner without which my life would be in shambles! My coffee meetings, dentist appointments, birthday parties, social events are all scribbled down in each tiny white space provided. I also keep my supermarket shopping list up-to-date so that nothing gets missed during my whirlwind trips to the market and back. Organised? YES, all tasks tick marked? NO.
The pressure is higher than ever at this time of the year when its nearing the end of school. Farewell parties, swimming pool parties, BBQ parties, birthday parties and 'let's catch up before the summer'
parties thrown in for good measure. Besides the long list of to-do's
which become longer when you are travelling back home and need to shop for everyone! Phew!
The trouble is that I know where the trouble lies! It lies in my desire to do everything, all the time. Besides my regular duties of being a mother and a home maker, I want to take on new activities. I want to volunteer in schools, I want to organise class parties, I want to write my blog, I want to learn Cantonese and last summer I even brought home a carton full of new dresses to sell! Like my husband says "It's your choice, right? Then why are you complaining?"
But the point is that I am NOT complaining! I am just .......talking. Putting my feelings into words! I just want someone to listen to me, understand and appreciate what I am doing, maybe give a few words of advice, that's it!
Having said that there have been times especially in the last two weeks when I have been inundated with work and I ask myself "Why?"Why can I not slow down? Ask for help? Have a helper? Do one thing at a time? Why do I want to wear this motherhood hat on all the time? Why do I want to give fresh orange juice to my son when he asks for a glass of Tang?"
The answer is quite simple actually. "That's what I WANT to do!
I have opted not to go to work. I have opted to take on motherhood as a full-time job and like any other job there are good days and bad days! If I hire someone to do my job, then I will be job-less?
Of course I get lots of ME time. In fact every morning when the kids are in school is ME time! Its upto me to decide whether I want to use that hour to make a nice meal or to clean the house or to go for a pedicure? The last option, although it sounds like fun, is something I keep pending for months on end and then make a visit only when I have nothing better to do. They call it 'pampering',
I call it a waste of time and more than that "It's so boring!"
. Even when I do go for an occasional facial or a manicure, after the first few initial sighs of relaxation I just can't wait for it to get over! I mean how much can one scrub a face or a body to get the toxins out? I keep shifting around, looking at my watch, asking the lady to hurry up, you'd wonder if there was a fire back home? But that's how I am...just can't keep still....even during my holidays! I remember once when we were in Tenerife, Spain, I kept looking out for massage parlours convincing myself that I needed one desperately. When opportunity presented itself with a beautiful beach and a small massage parlour just at the end of it, I happily walked off leaving the boys in hubby's care. I had just about got started when I started wondering what the kids might be doing, if they were hungry, if my husband was missing me? I got restless, asked the lady to hurry up and almost ran all the way back to them! The best facials according to me are the express ones!
So what do I really
like doing with my ME time? Meeting my friends for a cup of coffee
in the morning when kids are at school, or taking off on a sudden shopping spree in the street markets
of Hong Kong or having a night out with my husband or girlfriends, visiting the library, going for a walk up the mountains
or writing a new post like this one. In fact this post started day before yesterday, in the bus, when I was on my way to the bookshop to pick up a Thank you
card and gift for my Cantonese
teacher whose last class happens to be tomorrow. One more errand tick marked, one more activity ended.
"Thank you for listening!"